Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Passion Series: Motherhood

I started writing this blog in January. My daughter, Kess was 6 months old. We were living out of town and traveling for my husband's job. Kess' routine was dwindling (along with my sanity.) I felt like I wasn't quite cutout for this whole motherhood thing. I loved Kess, of course, but I felt like I wasn't doing right by her. I knew that my role of a mother was important, I just wasn't seeing it clearly. I wasn't seeing "results" of my mothering, the long nights and the routine building. I decided I needed something to make me, me. I talked (and cried) with Matt and told him how I was feeling. I told him I needed to try new things, to get out of the house, to go on a hot date and to be more than just a mom.

It felt great to try new things, to try a new date with Matt, to put effort into aspects of my life that hasn't seen effort in months or years. Then I realized something really important...

I loved being a mom. You see, my daughter didn't stay teeny forever. We taught her things like how to say, "momma" & "dadda." We helped her sit up, crawl and walk. She now snuggles me back as I sing primary songs to her before bed. She has become my little best friend. I absolutely love teaching her new things, watching her little mind work, making a new lunch for her to gobble down. I love that I know her. I know her likes and dislikes and how she likes to dance to the Octonauts song, or how she squeals when she sees her big puppy, Kane in the back yard. I love that she brings me my makeup and says, "dis?" Or how she claps whenever I praise her by saying, "Yay!"

Being new to this whole motherhood thing, I didn't know that this is what my life would turn into. I thought it would be long nights, making routines, painful breast feedings, and exhaustion forever. It wasn't. It's a whole new world of love, of understanding, of eternal gratefulness to my Heavenly Father and still a little bit of exhaustion ;)

In the early months of Kess' life I felt a little obsolete. I knew she needed me, but I didn't realize how much I needed her. I know that sometimes as mothers we feel like our job is tiring, boring and  thankless and heck, we don't even get paid to do it. I know that we sometimes lose sight of who we are when we become moms. I am trying hard to create balance in my life, to be 100% committed to being a mom, a wife and myself. It's not an easy thing to do and that's ok. I love being a mom to Kess, a wife to Matt, because they make me, me.

I started this blog to find passion and I won't stop looking for ways to branch out, trying new date nights with my husband, or teach Kess new things, but I now know that I am incredibly passionate about being a mom. I can honestly say that it completes who I am. I am way more than just a mom, I'm her mom.