Monday, April 13, 2015

I constantly second guess myself as a mom...

I try to keep it light & positive on the blog, but today I think I need to touch base on something that I believe every mom goes through - at least, I hope I'm not the only one. In my series with Be Bona Fide, I decided to be as honest as I could be, yet I hope to inspire, uplift and help others (and myself.) So here it goes.

Before I was a mom, I was the best mom ever. My kid would never do wrong. She will sleep, she won't throw fits, she will be a great eater, I will discipline her from the get-go. Well, I've eaten my words, and they didn't taste good. Kess is a very happy baby, but as she has gotten older she has developed the sweetest, yet sassiest personality. In the last few weeks even changing her diaper has become a fight (picture me leg locking my child just to get a fresh diaper on her cute bum.) Kess used to also sleep through the night. 12 hours, bam! Mom of the year, right here. From about 5 months on, sleep has been a struggle. I read every sleep book I could get my hands on, which I think helped for a while. Matt actually hates when I read baby books, because while I've convinced myself that I'm reading this with a grain of salt - I know that at times I'm really not. I'm taking every word to heart and it's disheartening. Every time Kess does something that doesn't line up with how I'm trying to raise her, I'm mad, upset and worried that I've ruined my child for life.

My ultimate goal as a parent, besides loving my child unconditionally, is to avoid creating bad habits because I was too tired or lazy to do things the right way. Yet, I feel like based on social media, parenting books, and other people's children, that I'm constantly doing something wrong. I should let her cry it out (but don't do that or your child will feel abandoned). Don't feed them at night after 6 months (but your child might be hungry at 5:00am). Definitely don't feed them at night after 9 months (unless they go right back to sleep after you feed them). Breastfeed (but don't breastfeed). The list goes on. Heck, even when I feel like I'm completely on top of my game as a parent I can't help but wonder if I should be doing something different because it's "better."

Motherhood is the greatest gift I have ever been blessed with. My partnership with my husband goes right along with that. Parenting, however is exhausting, irritating, rewarding, blissful, annoying, and the list goes on and on. Motherhood is my favorite, but having to parent... totally sucks. I am always telling Matt that I love being a mom and I love Kess more than I ever thought I would. I now understand that there are different types of love, something I personally don't think you can know unless you are a parent. However, there are times that I don't like being a mom.

I used to cry to Matt about how awful I felt because I didn't like every minute of being a mom, and I feel so guilty because becoming a mom wasn't hard for me. I have family and friends who have struggled to become parents and some who are even still struggling. I have been eternally blessed with a child to call my very own - I should love every minute, right? But that isn't life. In reality, motherhood is hard and exhausting. It's okay to not love every minute. So to my momma friends, if you're feeling sad, lonely, exhausted or wondering if you're cut out for this, or if you're questioning whether you're doing a good job ... I'm here to tell you that it's okay and you're doing a great job! You love your children with all your heart and soul, so it's more than okay to not like parenting from time to time! It takes a village. Thanks for being a part of mine.


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